Twenty Three

So it's official. I'm going home for summer. Not what I originally had in mind but it all works out. I'll get to work for my mom a bit which will be good for me. I won't be stuck in Washougal all summer which I am definitely excited about.

Twenty Two

So...I'm fucking out... That's just faaaantastic...

Twenty-One

It's odd. I've probably made more new friends this year than any other year but I feel the loneliest I've ever been. Last semester I made some awesome acquaintances. Sadly, though, I haven't seen any of them since the start of Spring term. I've found myself to be a bit more confident lately. I've been talking to more people at school and I could potentially become friends with them but for some reason they don't appeal to me. They all seem so bland. My friends have some sort of flair to them. These people just don't. They seem to be doing their own things in their own little worlds. In schools there tends to be that inner circle of people that everyone wants to be a part of. There's one of those here and I couldn't care less about them. Fake and plastic-y I guess would describe them. They're always happy-go-lucky and it gets kinda sickening to see. I feel like there isn't anything connecting me to this place besides school which has been less than enjoyable. I don't feel like I'm getting the college experience at all. I want to be out on my own. I want to start my life. I want a job. I want to live in a dorm or with friends. I want to be happier. The whole college thing so far has been a major let down. I miss my friends. I miss all the people I love. When I'm with them I feel... I can't even begin to explain it. It's like I feel whole. I feel empty here without them. I've been working my ass off this past semester so that I can bring up my GPA and transfer somewhere I would actually like. Right now my two major options are the University of Washington or the University of British Columbia. I could see myself being happy at either school. I honestly would be happy anywhere that isn't this place... which is why I've also added Simon Fraser University and Western Washington University to the list as back-ups. Time doesn't seem to be moving fast enough. I get to see Rox and Chels in a few weeks. I can’t wait. They mean so much to me and I absolutely hate being so far away. I also can’t wait to see my friends in Canada again. Scott, Ben, Nick, Matt, Dan, Nardi, Mazzone. Oh man. Mazzone. What a guy. Things with him and me are just plain complicated. We obviously like each other. Even more obvious is the distance between us. I’d like for us to be more than friends but I don’t think I could ask that of him. I only see him every few weeks, if I’m lucky. I do plan on going to school in Vancouver for a year (not because of him, I promise). But I mean maybe we could give it a shot then, but until that time comes, I just don’t know what to do about us. Oh well. We will see what happens. For now, I need to focus on doing well on my finals and getting a job… joy.

Twenty

Something I’ve been missing recently is a sense of family. Being around people who love and care about me no matter what happens. I’ve been getting along with my family here for the most part recently. I tend to just keep to myself a lot of the time. I’ll do homework in my room or just pretend to do homework once it’s all finished just so I don’t have to risk the opportunity of doing something wrong that might cause any sort of confrontation. I’ve been spending more time with my sisters, though. I pick up Nicka after school every now and then. We have nice chats in the car and at home before she locks herself in her room for the remainder of the day. Kiana comes to my room to hang out sometimes, which I like. We talk about life, school, friends, guys, everything and anything. When my dad and step mom were in the Philippines a few weeks ago, Kiana and I would go for walks. We’d go to parks or the beach and just have a good time. In a way, I feel bad for her. Nicka has a close bond with Vangie (Nicka and Kiana’s mom) but there doesn’t seem to be room for Kiana. It’s always the two of them laughing about inside jokes they have or gossiping around the house. I wish Kiana was able to have a good relationship with her mom. She really needs her at this point in her life but at times, she seems to go unnoticed in our family. It’s not like she’s ignored or anything but her parents don’t acknowledge the good that she’s done. Same goes for me and Nicka. They focus on what we’re doing wrong. I haven’t been spending as much time with my dad. I’m sure this pleases my step mom since she seems to believe that if I’m spending time with him, then no one else ever is. The only thing her and I ever talk about is whether or not I have a job yet. Yes, I need one and I’m working on it but it’s not my main priority right now. No, I do not appreciate you breathing down my neck about it all the fucking time. It’s like she has nothing else to say to me. It is not as crucial as she makes it seem. At one point, it was either I get a job or I get kicked out of the house. Thanks for the support, ‘mom.’ That’s another thing I miss. My mom. She never pushed me to do anything, just guided and was there for me when I needed her. Surprisingly enough, I don’t miss Maui right now. I miss my mom and my friends there, but I don’t have a desire to go back. At least not yet.